Football Genius Sigma Male's 2021 NFL Mock Draft, Version 7.5
Impress your fellow anti-social gridiron savants with how much you know about the draft.
The 2021 NFL Draft is finally here! It’s the first one held outside Roger Goodell’s basement in years. Cleveland has hosting duties, and the locals are surely fired up, coming off their franchise’s first playoff victory since they were the Almost-Ravens. Who did the Browns beat in the postseason? I don’t know, it’s not important, and you should absolutely never mention it to me if the answer dawns on you.
For months, I have been assiduously crunching tape, interviewing misanthropic scouts, pressing front office personnel on the latest in cutting-edge NFL phrenology metrics. The task is tireless but invaluable. Nowhere else will find more accurate prognostications about the draft, until I release version 7.6 roughly 15 minutes before the broadcast starts with several actual picks already having been tipped by Adam Schefter.
Onward, draftniks!
Jacksonville Jaguars — Trevor Lawrence, QB, Clemson
New York Jets — Whichever quarterback from this class is most doomed, QB, Alcorn State
San Francisco 49ers (from Houston via Miami) — For me, the biggest Mandela Effect is thinking Jim Druckenmiller was actually Jim Drunkenmiller. I swear it was. This is the most pointless psyop yet. QB, Rice
Atlanta Falcons — A brief respite from quarterbacks unless some misbegotten franchise (c’mon Washington) decides to pay a king’s ransom to trade up, TE, Florida
Cincinnati Bengals — Same, OT, Notre Dame
Miami Dolphins (from Philadelphia) — Miami is in a grand position in that they clearly don’t believe in Tua but know it’s too early to bail on him. Given that the team spent half a decade waiting for Ryan Tannehill to make the leap, finally gave up on him, then watched him do exactly that in Tennessee must fuck with their heads. Don’t worry! Tua is just one weapon away! WR, Ole Miss
Detroit Lions — Patrick Surtain II, CB, Alabama
Carolina Panthers — Adam Archuleta IV, SS, Georgia
Denver Broncos — Trung Canidate III, RB, East Carolina
Dallas Cowboys — The one person in America excited for 17-game seasons, DE, Arizona State
New York Giants — Pick vacated as Dave Gettleman declines to make a selection since he figures that’s what the other teams expect him to do.
Philadelphia Eagles (from San Francisco via Miami) — A wideout that only gets 1,000-yard seasons because there’s an extra game now, WR, Maryland
Los Angeles Chargers — I see a bright future of the Chargers being perennial 9-8 teams that squeak into the 7th seed. Manifesting that with this pick, Guard, USC
Minnesota Vikings — The Raiders social media manager that made the out-of-pocket George Floyd verdict tweet (should’ve been theirs), FS, Oregon
New England Patriots — Richard Spencer, WR, Duke
Arizona Cardinals — A solid addition to draft coverage would be Kyrsten Sinema jauntily skipping up the dais and giving a peppy thumbs down to picks viewers don’t like, a la her vote on the $15 minimum wage, CB, Oklahoma
Las Vegas Raiders — Big vampire lady that gamers are horny for online, LB, Capcom
Miami Dolphins — Man in the shower wearing his 1984 AFC Championship ring, Guard, Morgan Creek Entertainment
Washington Football Team — Major Biden, Attack Dog/Edge Rusher, Delaware
Chicago Bears — That week where they thought they were getting Russell Wilson then ended up with Andy Dalton was just so crushing. Sending positive vibes and a burly lineman, OT, Tulsa
Indianapolis Colts — A guy who looks like Tim Dillon, DE, somehow attended Wisconsin, Iowa, and BYU all at once
Tennessee Titans — Continuing the run on progeny of notable former players and a nod to the Titans’ tendency to embrace their Patriots connection due to having the one effective Belichick disciple — Asante Samuel Jr., CB, Florida State
New York Jets (from Seattle) — Someone actually pretty good but it doesn’t matter because the QB they selected earlier sucks, TE, Rutgers
Pittsburgh Steelers — The greatest player in the history of the sport or so help me I’ll [REDACTED], Center, Swaggin U
Jacksonville Jaguars (from L.A. Rams) — Pepé Le Pew, FS, Tune Squad
Cleveland Browns — Is Goodell going to go back to doing his signature draftee bear hugs as a signal that we’ve emerged from Covid? Leaning toward no, but I can’t shake the creeping suspicion he might, OT, ITT Technical Institute
Baltimore Ravens — Truss Refill, LB/DE, Penn State
New Orleans Saints — Pongo “Oingo-Boingo” Babineaux, WR, Kansas State
Green Bay Packers — What if the Packers actually took another quarterback late in the first round to piss off Aaron Rodgers? What if these human-monkey “chimera” embryos that scientists are developing lead to athletes that can catch footballs with their bare feet? What? What then? QB, Sam Houston State
Buffalo Bills — A shame Chet Hanks botched the rollout of White Boy Summer because in my humble opinion no fan base embodies the ethos of charmingly frenzied, lightly transgressive stupidity like that of the Bills. Plus management didn’t sell the team to Trump, so they qualify under the rules and regulations. Ah well. RB, Clemson
Baltimore Ravens (from Kansas City) — One of the funnier aspects of mock drafts are the shot-in-the-dark attempts to predict unexpected trades. To show my disdain for the medium, I have forecast no draft-night trades. Wow, don’t all you mock draft writers feel silly now? That said, if there isn’t at least one surprise trade in the first round every year, the NFL should shutter for good and turn over all their primo addictive painkillers to me. WR, Miami
Tampa Bay Buccaneers — No, Tampa, you’re not allowed to draft minors for the purpose of “extracting plasma and life force” from “Thiel Labs” for “a certain someone.” DT, some international player who is a project because that’s the kind of annoying first-round pick reigning Super Bowl champions make.